Losing Yourself
I lose things all the time. Keys. Hats. Gloves. Cell phones…
What I realized this week, is that I also tend to lose myself. Quite literally, I feel as if for short periods of time, I do not know where I run off to, but the person who is living my life in my body is not actually me. Let me explain.
As someone who squirms at the sound of the word ” routine ” I am also an individual who has learned throughout the last few years that I actually need routines in my life. The really crazy is part is that when I find myself following a routine, the outcomes is I am overall happier, but life becomes so automated that even the chaos is somehow part of the equation and suddenly, time starts to fly and I wake up one day and don’t know exactly how I got there.
The last few weeks I went on an work adventure and accepted a contract position at Google. Before Google I had a very flexible routine- organized chaos as I like to call it. Suddenly as I started working at Google, I found myself neglecting to even enter my kitchen, let alone cook or wash the dishes. The crazy thing is, I enjoy washing the dishes. Washing my dishes is my meditation. And here I am, running around for three weeks and neglecting to do something that as routine as it may be, makes me happy.
Yesterday was my first day back at home, no 2 hour commute and no more free food at Google ( which was awesome too.) I went to Whole Foods- I bought groceries, I bought flowers, and I came home and I cooked and cleaned and put fresh flowers everywhere. I do not have a set time for when I cook or clean or even how I cook or clean or what kind of flowers make me happy. What I do know is that if I fill my time with “routine” things that are simple and make me happy, I won’t continue to get sucked into week(s) when I lose track of myself completely.
I have this little day book by my bed in which I write every night before I go to sleep: just one thing a day to remember the day. I opened the book yesterday and realized that I had forgotten about the book for the three weeks that I worked at Google. What I realized again is that I want to remember to do these little things that make me ME, that make me happy and that are part of my routine, despite where I work or how long my commute might me. Again, it all comes back to balance.
So, how do we find just enough routine to make us happy without allowing ourselves to get lost? My answer is: I need to find time everyday to make sure I have fresh flowers in my apartment AND change the water so that they do not die. What’s your thing? Figure it out and know it, try not to neglect it, and oh, enjoy it.
